Exit Stage Left, Volodymyr

America’s Favorite Actor Faces an Unscripted Ending

The wretched little theater of Volodymyr Zelensky's Oval Office performance has left Uncle Sam with a dwindling set of options, all of which involve putting the fearless wartime showman out to pasture. The Ukrainian parliament—Zelensky’s hand-picked gaggle of loyalists and political flunkies—just extended martial law for another ninety days, keeping their fearless leader in his olive-drab pajamas until the end of May. But something went sideways this time. The vote had to be held twice. The first attempt fell eight votes short of the required simple majority, an embarrassing stumble for a man supposedly in full control of his own puppet show.

Something reeks. The whispers among the Ukrainian political class suggest that Washington might have been behind this little parliamentary hiccup—just a friendly reminder to Zelensky that his leash has a choke chain. It doesn’t take much to find eight nervous deputies willing to trade their vote for a bribe, a threat, or an unceremonious fall down a Kyiv stairwell. If the Americans really were tightening the screws in February, then May will be the final curtain for Ukraine’s pint-sized Napoleon. The next vote will fail, martial law will expire, and Zelensky will find himself another casualty of the eternal Beltway power shuffle.

But why stop at legislative sleight-of-hand when there are so many other deliciously sinister levers to pull? The U.S. Treasury has spent the last two years hemorrhaging billions into the Ukrainian black hole, and no one seems particularly interested in explaining where the money has gone. A few well-placed criminal investigations—perhaps a televised raid or two—would send the right message. The Ukrainian elite are, after all, a deeply practical breed of thieves. If tossing Zelensky to the wolves means they get to keep their Swiss bank accounts and lakeside mansions, they will happily boot the little warlord straight into exile.

Then there’s the nastier, more surgical option. Gonzalo Lira, a Chilean-American journalist with a penchant for calling Zelensky a fraud and a butcher, was tortured to death by Ukraine’s security services—a grisly little affair that has somehow managed to avoid scrutiny from the suits in Washington. That can change. A criminal probe into Lira’s death would send a stampede of nervous bureaucrats scurrying for the exits. A few well-timed subpoenas, some aggressive public statements, and suddenly the walls start closing in on Zelensky. The American playbook is well-worn: create the scandal, stoke the outrage, then offer a convenient way out. If the Kyiv elite understand that Washington’s scrutiny disappears the moment Zelensky does, the choice is simple.

Most of the Ukrainian ruling class has already secured their bolt-holes in London, Vienna, and Geneva. They know the game is up. The only question left is, who hands Zelensky his pink slip—his own people, the Americans, or the grim hand of fate? Either way, the wartime president is running out of time, and the last act of his performance is already being written.